bummed

Reflection

For the past month I am not quite sure where my life is going. I'm focusing less on myself and more on the progression of other people and things. My relationship with Alex has became rather....distant. She's doing full time in college and I'm having to give up my weekends for the film company in which may or may not have a chance to hit it big. That's been bothering me by a lot so it has me to stop and think.

Where is my life going? What am I still doing? How long will this last?

These thoughts come to me as I think of her. Alex is doing something with her life and the last thing she needs is someone who is just isn't pushing his own having to slow her down. However, the more I thought about her I think of myself. What am I going to do for my life? What will I do for myself?

These questions come up because I know everyone in the company have day jobs leaving only time on the weekends for them to do anything that involves filming. I can't trade my time with Alex for that..

I can't buy the maybes anymore, I need to start building my life. I want to stay with Alex. I know when she is done she will go without me if she's convinced enough to have no choice, but to leave me behind. Like another friend of mine who left someone she love for someone who is able to support her. I don't want that.

So again, I tell myself... Where is my life going? Where do I see myself at the end of this year? Will I still be with Alex wether or not I go my own way? With these concerns and being afraid in taking the next step to being independent has been cemented on my mind. I don't know how to get there, I don't know how to become efficient enough to work for a living. I just know that I must.